The Dilemma of the NO-ed to, NO-er and the Clueless One

With my chocolates and socks I write.

Hypothetical Situation.
I thought this was it, my breakthrough, my exit out of the whole shamble, the muddle whatever you want to call it. After the Days of Dead (H.S.C. Boards) I thought I was going to take a stand do what I do best, completely follow my heart, regardless of what others thought about me, my life, my issues and my imperfections. I thought for once I would do the talking and not the listening, for once I would get what I pined for, for once I'd make it happen, "the Difference".

But I am a Fool. A spoiled Fool.
To think that all this was possible once D.O.D. got done with and all my problems would resolve, wash away and I'd be the rebel I once was- I was a downright ass. Of the first order mind you.
So now I see myself complain, whine, behave like a child who wants the big double scoop chocolate chip mousse ice cream and landed with a lemon ice lolly. I see a pathetic version of me.
I maybe sarcastic and sarcasm is usually a defensive for cynics but I was never this deep in the horseshit of negativity and unequivocal self-pity.

Now all I see around me is a big fat "NO".
No you cant do it.
No you cant go.
No you cant say that.
No you cant _____ (fill in with whatever you want because I could just go on).

Till here I have partially explained calling myself a Fool. The crunchy "what-do-I-do feeling" is back more action-packed with loads of degradation and bullets to blow your head into a billion bits. This phase is also due to the fact that I cant deal, cant accept what the problem is, I understand that in the grand scheme of things there are certain anomalies but fact is, I do not wish to. There comes the Spoiled part of my own description. I've got the wind to blow in my favour most of the time and when I don't I usually accept. Its just that these winds are no longer gentle breezes or gusts, they are hurricanes. Impossible to control, dire consequences and a huge mess to bounce back from.

These are supposed to be vacations. I admit I am having fun, doing what I do best, and so on. But they feel.. inadequate. Maybe Im just used to having free rein but, somehow much of it just wont agree with me, you know? Damn I am spoiled :P . Im around everything I need, love and want. So why do I wish for so much more? When the hell did I start to feel so insufficient and dissatisfied by myself? Jeez. I feel like a Hilton. Always wanting more.

So now Im contemplating this new approach called *PRP;
P-permission to be human
R-reconstruction of the problem
P-perspective involving acknowledgement that there are a million ways to fix it now

I fail to understand one tiny thing though, however irrelevant it may seem. If I can try to figure this out myself currently keeping things in mind about other people and their reactions, their dilemmas and situations, then why dont I deserve the same courtesy?


*(Special thanks to Ben Shahar, author of 'Happy', 'The Pursuit of Perfect')

"Healthy optism means being in touch with reality. It certainly doesn't mean being Pollyannish and thinking everything is great and wonderful"
-Tal Ben-Shahar, Professor and author of the Pursuit of Perfect

Thwenthy Feeve Randome Things

25…

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you're supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. As a child I was nicknamed "Shabda-Kutty" (literal translation : Noisy child) by my uncle because I would always talk the loudest, whine the most and laugh the hardest.

2. Before I hated Ballet, Basketball, HipHop, Carnatic music, Big Brands, Girly things, Pink, Fashion, Girls hugging and "Love". Then I turned older, wiser (albeit foolish-er and Free-er) and rethought the entire thing.... Turns out I love everything I first hated about them.

3. I detested the fact that J-Lo wore a green Versace dress for the Grammys and it revealed more than 60% cleavage. I mentioned to my Dad that there should be a dress code for the awards.

4. I was arrogant, proud and gullible in school (still working on the gullibility).

5. I thought babies magically/automatically "took place" when marriages "took place".

6. I believe in smelling my food or atleast catching a whiff before i eat it. If it doesnt smell right i dont eat.

7. I thought i would end up becoming a paleontologist after watching Jurassic Park. And would re-enact scenes of gore with my cousin.

8. "Chucky" (Child's Play) was the object of my nightmares from (according to Shweta 1991) the very beginning. I had many sleepless nights because of the fact that he was a talking doll with an evil soul.

9. I was the dancing Scarecrow for my school's "Wizard of Oz" play and Mrs. Lobo called me "Scarecrow" for 2 whole years.

10. Deepa, Pallavi and me used to be best friends in Sr. Kg. and Pallavi loved making small choc cream balls from the Bourbon biscuits she used to carry in her dabba to school. (I have no idea why i rememebr this)

11. Each time I got an Infection/flu,etc. I thought I would die.

12. My sister and me had a secret handshake before we went to sleep. (Sorry Shweta, now they know)

13. Once when I went to Kolhapur my friend and I put toothpaste on our faces in the middle of the night because it was really hot.

14. I wear clothes that I bought when i was 12 now.

15. I love saving shopping tags, bills, movie tickets, rail/bus tickets, almost anything thats paper or looks attractive.

16. I was forced to take Ballet lessons over Skating class (Thank you amma!), and danced before Basketball and Singing.

17. I cant stand Mexican food.

18. Ayesha's Mom tried teaching me how to swim whenever we went to Royal Palms Resort, but i never succeeded. Even when i joined classes... I never did.

19. When i was a kid, i used to wear full-sleeve shirts, t-shirts and pants/jeans for the longest time. I will never know what i held against shorts.

20. I loved being the Red Power Ranger.. or was it the Yellow one.. i dont remember.

21. Once I caught a running train... and got pushed out of it too.. at the same time.. and rolled into an old bai lady with a huge blue plastic bag and was abused with a series of Marathi gaalis (abuses) :P

22. Fiction, Vampires, Supernatural- stuff like that, I dig. I always wanted to be a part of it.. OH but, maybe I am..

23. P.S. I Love You is my gay moment movie. haha

24. I cry (alot) when i watch TV Soaps (Greys Anatomy, Brothers&Sisters,etc) and movies and sometimes songs. I need the outlet to breakdown because i dont usually cry at the right things at the right time... And in a weird way, I love it!

25. Im easier and comfortable with guys better. (My sister thinks im gay).


NOTE: Just so that we're clear Im not gay and this took a lot of time to write because for some reason 25 random things just didnt seem too random to think of off the top of my head. It was DIFFICULT. Anyway i also forgot to mention I LOVE SARCASM. OK now you're free to go live the rest of your life.. :P

15 Ways to Boost Self-Loathing and Self-Deprecation!

You have achieved Self-Deprecation and the righteous term "ASS" if you carry out the following easy steps:

1. Listen NOT to yourself.
2. Do whatever OTHERS tell you to.
3. Do NOT voice your opinions.
4. Keep your mouth SHUT.
5. Let OTHERS walk all over you.
6. Do EVERYthing in your power to please OTHERS.
7. Restrict YOURSELF from opportunities.
8. Keep yourself BOTTLED up.
9. Actively support OTHERS in spite of wrongdoings.
10. Hurt OTHERS in the process (Refer to 9.).
11. Do NOT fee bad if someone hurts YOU.
12. Do NOT mention anything good in your life.
13. Thank God that he's blessed you with OTHERS.
14. Listen and only listen, do NOT speak
15. Listen to this crappy post.


Note:
If you care to notice the word "OTHERS" can be referred to as "friends", but then I thought, wait a minute if they let you do this to yourself and somehow they are in a small way responsible for your situation then how in the world could they be written, spoken about/to, referred, thought of, described as a FRIEND.
Yes, they are not FRIENDS, what they are though, are the OTHERS (I couldn't resist but it sounds so cliched and movie-like... Anyway back to the point) . They dont care about honey, they're with you because you are an easy target, the little black lamb they can push around, influence, control to do their bidding, take out their frustration on. The problem with the OTHERS/bullies/pushovers are that they themselves are insecure because they like you need something/someone to control and have greater weaknesses. The fact remains that what you truly believe in and do for the OTHERS is too big and good for them to do it theirselves.
So, if you think life is aplayground for them think again. They probably have itworse than you do. If you notice even in the movies and cartoon clips alot of the bullies end up crying at the end of the show/movie because they have overturned by their "underlings"/"bitches"/pushed-ones. What is their biggest strength is an even greater weakness. Its just like in I Robot when the robots lost control and got at the humans. Something like that. So yeah, think about it.

Dont be pushed. Walk. Head high. Cool. Independent. Good. Help them instead. Oops. I mean help the OTHERS. Where else do you think cynicism comes from?

"Reason can wrestle and overthrow terror".
-Euripides (Greek Playwright)

Understanding - An Interminable Gift.. Curse?

I hate Understanding.
You feel the usage.
You feel the rejection.
You feel the taking-for-granted-ness.
You feel the patience running out like gatorade for a marathon runner.

I love this quality otherwise. When you use it for the people around you and then when they return the same, the feeling.. Theres nothng like it.

I love being Understanding.
You feel appreciated.
You feel at peace with the people.
You feel loved and valued.
You feel... Good.

Understanding and being understood. If everyone in the world could do it, we couldve probably been best friends with The American Ex-President or even the sworn enemies of the rest of the world, the terrorists. If we could all just get along and try to "figure" things out maybe then we could achieve 1/10th of the much fabled "World Peace". If we could all just sit, relax and have pleasant conversations with the politicos and over-interfering paparazzi, synthetic-plastic-ated workers of the acting industry and whatever different kinds of people in the world, over a nice hot cup of chocolate.

But this is a dream that will only remain a dream. As long as there are human beings walking around on this planet, strife, corruption, enemity and most of all misconception and misundertsanding is bound to take place. I will never regain certain friendships or relations because of the buggering fact that some asshole took me in the wrong way, had way too much ego to clear it out with me, and started a rampage against me. Tell me this, since "possession of bodies or souls" is not possible, how the HELL do you know what is going on in the other person's head? Where do you get the GALL to assume things about another's intentions or doings?Do you know what is going in that person's head at that given time? NO. Exactly, if you dont bother to find out how in God's name are things to be sorted out? And if you know that person's probably one of the fewest individuals with that kind of understanding how dare you expect everything from one end? And especially when you know eachother since eons and you still get dumped on because of something relevant and life-changing even for the other pserson.
It is irrational, childish, immature, sad, pathetic, gullible, stupid, piteous, juvenile when your 18 years old or above and can still possess the ability to think like an ass. A hind-leg-kicking, lazy, squirming, stubborn "ass".



.. Oh boy, that was way too much emotion overpouring out there. Way too much personal bull. Sorry folks. But thats just the way it is. Poeple dont realize or appreciate the value behind the "understanding". Open you eyes men and women. Obeserve your friends and family. Especially your family. Do you notice how much they really do for you? And what about your friends, havent they done enough? Have you ever thought about them once about what they may be going through about how much they've listeend to you weep and pour your soul out and how many times they've made you laugh or even changed the outlook of your day? Do you think about them when youre not busy wondering about Your crap like shopping or eating or Your schedule, Your work, or whatever? Do you not notice that this extra-elongated, without-many-attractive-letters, 10 letter word UNDERSTAND has a complete power of its own?

You probably think I'm babbling about a whole load of bull. But just stop and think. About your friends, family and those who've stuck by you through the most trying times of your life and who can assess so many problems and help solve them for you, those who have taken your bull and havent complained (much), those who've exercised some small contribution in the kind of person you've become.

So ladies and gentlemen, I hope you "understand" what I'm trying to tell you. Get to know them. Those people who know you for so long. Who give and give and dont expect. Im truly sorry, I mean my heart goes out to those who still read this post and cant figure a fraction of dog poop of this post and what kind of message I am trying to give out. Thats just... Sad, frankly. But then again one's life, one's wish. So try to do this small soemthing, it'll probably do you alot of good. This post wasnt out to make you feel bad or guilty but to let you think. And really realize. Thank you.




"No law or ordinance is mightier than understanding."
- Plato

Ascertainment

Ok Im going way over board about this whole trying to reduse things in my life down to certainty. To tell you the truth i think its still too early in my life to know who i am and know what im doing or going to be doing in the next 3 years or whatever. However if i start early i gain the edge and its a massive advantage because then you can get to hone yourself, your talents and know where you lie.
For a few years now I have noiced myriad changes in me and the people around me. My multitudionus demands of having a great big group of friends, fun free time and Im coming back to it again, the desire to surround myself with as many people as i can have diminished down to just a good happy life being able to do whatever i want and wanting to experience and soak in as much of the world as i possibly can..
Prioroties change with passing of time. When you were in primary school it was all about "will i be able to particpate in the annual day?" or "will i come first in the 100m race?" and then when we move onto secondary its all "i cant finish my homework in time!" and "i have submissions and elocutions, competitions and rehearsals!" and then we come into college life we go on and on about "i like him but what if he doesnt like me back? What am i going to do?" and "i need to think about what im going to be doing in the next 3 or 4 years becoause thats what will be defining my future years".. blah blah..
Change is inevitable. But too much of it revamps you completely and sometimes makes you wonder is this possibly the right patht that i have chosen?
I'd wonder if the change is due to the external factors of our environment. Humans evolve and adapt largely due to the environment. But my opinion alot of your own instincts and whatever goes own within you is what is in charge of the change. Because in the end the people you surround yourself with somewhat reflects your ownself. It is because of You that they are they with You, because of You. you are in your current situation. In the end it is You, yourself who is reponsible for, well YOUrself! ;)
This is tiring to read over and over again so ill deviate. My point being whatever disappointment you may end up with or appraisals and accomplishments in your life are because of what you yourself have done.
Your opinions and perceptions change because of influence as well (external factors) and in a given amount of time you will change the kind of people to whom you are tied to. Family may never change or fade because it is they who have witnessed these changes in you since day one of your bed-wetting, nappy-wearing, potty-going life to whoever you are today!
Im pretty unsure as a person, sucky at time-managment. Cant make decisions on time, selfish, wastes way too much time thinking about what other people think of me based on those late decisions, wants to do way too many things life may not be able to offer due to the whole humans being mortal and all that,makes shoddy promises, self-depreacting, comes off too harsh and strong in an argument, wonders about "the purpose of life".. Now i simply osund plain weird.. :P
But there are sound things about me too. When i finally do make that decision i stick it right through the end and make the best out of it, people i really love will always be protected by my security services, weird in a good way. If you notice i have noted down barely any plus points to myself, this is when we go back to the "self-deprecating" point mentioned earlier.
All of this is me NOW. Before i "changed" (including external/internal factors) i was a dominating, horribly self-centered than even now, regardless of consideration of feelings of anyone else's, wouldnt know the difference between wrong or right as long as it was in my interest. Jeez... I could go on!.. But i have always liked the fact that i was never too pricey, too materialistic. I dont know, with the kind of qualities i used to represent thats hard to believe, even for me.
For me even my dancing and sketching and imagining took such a turn once i was out of that shell. I took the middle path from the fork of possibilities and suddenly everything seemed to churn in front of my eyes. I lost my best friend not without any other consequences or minor sufferings and setbacks but i gained so much more than i could have ever imagined. I regained two new ones from my old dominating days :P . It felt like they were there all along but i just had a foggy windscreen and didnt notice them. Dancing helped regain a part of me that was lost after the loss i felt for my friend, it helped give me some time for myself and let me think things over once again. I felt that i had a stab at a new social life through dancing. I got to meet new people. People i actually liked and not with false pretenses or gains. I got out of the "introverted" category of people and learned to talk for the first time. Those days i recall with a fondness but then i was so scared out of my wit. I guess all of it was worth it. I felt like a broken string of a guitar repaired and reassembled, rethought. I realised people arent all the same. Some of them give more than just second chances and dont expect anything in return and give so much that it overwhelms your entire being. And I wondered... "How? Why? What have i done for them? Is this a cruel illusion?" This took some gut to adjust to and get back to the field of reality in my newly rejuvenated self.
When i learnt of this new genre of people who also included my two new greatest of friends, I made a promise to myself that I will also try to provide that kind of safe haven to those who have experienced or gone through a similar emotional turmoil as i or even worse. If someone can be so conceited in one point of time or inaffectionate it doesnt mean its the same way through out their life. Impressions can change. A person can never completely remain the same.

Because if I got to have that everyone else deserves it too and thats the best way to help.
This small chapter has been reduced to some amount of certainty. Some small amount i didnt say entirely . Though im still trying to search for myself

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