The Dilemma of the NO-ed to, NO-er and the Clueless One

With my chocolates and socks I write.

Hypothetical Situation.
I thought this was it, my breakthrough, my exit out of the whole shamble, the muddle whatever you want to call it. After the Days of Dead (H.S.C. Boards) I thought I was going to take a stand do what I do best, completely follow my heart, regardless of what others thought about me, my life, my issues and my imperfections. I thought for once I would do the talking and not the listening, for once I would get what I pined for, for once I'd make it happen, "the Difference".

But I am a Fool. A spoiled Fool.
To think that all this was possible once D.O.D. got done with and all my problems would resolve, wash away and I'd be the rebel I once was- I was a downright ass. Of the first order mind you.
So now I see myself complain, whine, behave like a child who wants the big double scoop chocolate chip mousse ice cream and landed with a lemon ice lolly. I see a pathetic version of me.
I maybe sarcastic and sarcasm is usually a defensive for cynics but I was never this deep in the horseshit of negativity and unequivocal self-pity.

Now all I see around me is a big fat "NO".
No you cant do it.
No you cant go.
No you cant say that.
No you cant _____ (fill in with whatever you want because I could just go on).

Till here I have partially explained calling myself a Fool. The crunchy "what-do-I-do feeling" is back more action-packed with loads of degradation and bullets to blow your head into a billion bits. This phase is also due to the fact that I cant deal, cant accept what the problem is, I understand that in the grand scheme of things there are certain anomalies but fact is, I do not wish to. There comes the Spoiled part of my own description. I've got the wind to blow in my favour most of the time and when I don't I usually accept. Its just that these winds are no longer gentle breezes or gusts, they are hurricanes. Impossible to control, dire consequences and a huge mess to bounce back from.

These are supposed to be vacations. I admit I am having fun, doing what I do best, and so on. But they feel.. inadequate. Maybe Im just used to having free rein but, somehow much of it just wont agree with me, you know? Damn I am spoiled :P . Im around everything I need, love and want. So why do I wish for so much more? When the hell did I start to feel so insufficient and dissatisfied by myself? Jeez. I feel like a Hilton. Always wanting more.

So now Im contemplating this new approach called *PRP;
P-permission to be human
R-reconstruction of the problem
P-perspective involving acknowledgement that there are a million ways to fix it now

I fail to understand one tiny thing though, however irrelevant it may seem. If I can try to figure this out myself currently keeping things in mind about other people and their reactions, their dilemmas and situations, then why dont I deserve the same courtesy?


*(Special thanks to Ben Shahar, author of 'Happy', 'The Pursuit of Perfect')

"Healthy optism means being in touch with reality. It certainly doesn't mean being Pollyannish and thinking everything is great and wonderful"
-Tal Ben-Shahar, Professor and author of the Pursuit of Perfect